Meet my friendenemy, Anxiety. (discovering the real me)

Image credit: Porsche Brosseau, Creative Commons.

I will just come out a say it, I have depression and anxiety. It was become manageable, finally after seeing doctors and therapists for years now. I mean who doesn't like to spill their deepest and darkest for a stranger, all the while praying you don't end up in a straight jacket.

In truth, this past year has been the most productive year in managing my anxiety. I finally found a counselor and psychiatrist I am comfortable with. It was actually pretty amazing how this process started. I had been told a year or two after having my son (aka Gibble), that I had became an angry person. This was from my father, who is also an angry person. When this was said, All I could think of was, Your one to talk. However, I did not voice this thought, due to the fear of my father reaching through the phone to hit me. (My father was not physically abusive, just for the record.) I really didn't pay much attention to what he had said. Then things became worse. I would break down sobbing for no reason. It was like the cork on a bottled had popped. This would happen from time to time, but I just chalked it up to stress, being a single mother, yada yada yada. I never let anyone other than my boyfriend (now my hubby) see me like this. I did not get close to anyone other than family and my boyfriend. I put up an amazing front. I would crack jokes, make people laugh and pretend to be someone I was not. I felt that is I was not Miss Mary Sunshine all the time, people would not like me. I was always on, always acting. It was exhausting. I was not aware of how this was actually making me worse. I always felt like something was missing, and there was. It was the real me, not Kimmie my bartending persona, Kimber, momma's baby girl, or Kimberlie, who had impossible standards thrust upon her. Where was Kim? She was kept locked tight in the bowels of my soul.

Shortly, After having my princess, I came to my breaking point. My hubby was deployed, and I had moved from Germany to Ga, gave birth without my love by my side. I tried so hard to be strong for gibble and my new princess. With all the stress, I cracked. I immediately called my doctor. No, what I was experiencing was not Postpartum Depression. It was a long time coming, and I finally realized I am not super woman. I can not do it all myself. I began taking medications, and over the course of 4 years I tired many with very little benefit. I said to myself screw this. I was putting a crap ton of chemicals in my body that were not even helping me. So I made the decision to stop taking the medications. This process went on for two years. It got bad. I stopped taking care of myself, performing household duties, I basically only got off the couch to take care of my children. My hubby was screwed. I am at least happy to know when times were the darkest for me, my kids were taken care of.

One day my princess looked at me, and put her hand on my face. She said, "Mommy you are never happy." I looked into her blue eyes and cried. I told the hubby about this, and he then expressed his concern for me. He never once made me feel like a shit bag, the whole time I was going through this. He gave me love and was there when I needed him. The only problem was that no could fix this but me. So yet again I called the doctor to request counseling. I didn't want to be on medication again. Well, I was paired up with a physiologist and a counselor. That was a kind of a funny process I will admit.

Since we are a military family, we used doctors through the military. As you can imagine, there is a crap ton of dependents (you know the people belonging to the soldiers, lol) Oh and by the way, My hubby is consider my sponsor. I just find that amusing. Anyways, Upon starting this process, I knew it would take awhile before I would be able to be seen, as I was already told by the woman when I requested to be put on the waiting list, it could months before I was seen. No Joke, seriously MONTHS. Imagine my surprise when I got a phone that very day to arrange and appointment for me to be seen. I was convinced that they were going to put me in the crazy house. I even asked my husband if he had said anything that might make me appear unstable. I also asked the man arranging my appointment to clarify that is was a real appointment and not me showing up only to be taken away. As you can tell, I have a serious problem with word vomit.

I went to my appointments, was put on medication, and discussed all my issues. I am still going, My medications have been tweaked here and had produced results. Apparently, growing up the way I did was really f-ed me up. That's okay though. I have discovered a lot about myself.

Here are some things I have learned:

-I do not care what others opinions of me are. Too much of my life has been wasted on this.

-I am not perfect. I am okay with that.

-I am different than most people, and I now embrace it. I can actually look in the mirror and see a beautiful, loving, crazy and pugnacious woman.

-I feel very deeply, and very much a product of my surroundings. Negativity and Positiveness are both equally infectious. I have learned how to cut out the negativity.

-I have had crappy things happen to me, and I now know it is possible for me to heal.

-If someone can not accept the real me, I have no problem waving goodbye.

Final thoughts;

Always be kind. You never know the battles others are fighting. Always know you are never alone. At your darkest moments, God is always there. I can attest to this. There have been many times I have felt the lords spirit when I needed it the most! Thank you and sorry for this post being kind of being super serious. When I started this post, I had not intended for it to become what it did. The words were flowing and I went it. Thanks again!

Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

#anxiety #Philippians #selflove #acceptingyoursef #sad #depression